tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.

Homemade Spicy Cheez-It Recipe (as requested by cmonpony & chirp)*

Pregame:

Sometimes it helps to the teensiest bit stoned, if you are the kind of occasional stoner who likes meditative, repetitive tasks while high.

Also: Never Cheez-It alone. Always bring a friend. Your friend will act as both helpful assembly worker and enabler of eating more Cheez-Itz. If they are a really good friend, they will know to give you all the saltier pieces because you are a salt addict.

Put on some chill jams. I like to Cheez-It to Nicki Minaj or Van Morrison, depending on my mood. Make yourself and your friend a drink. This is a Cheez-It marathon, you’ll need it.

Ingredients
1 cup flour
8 oz. cheddar cheese of your choosing, grated (go sharp or go home, yo)
4 Tablespoons cold butter, cut into tiny squares
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (this is mild/medium spicy, adjust accordingly)

*(I’ve also heard of people experimenting with chopped jalapenos. I just say: do you, girl. Do what feels right).

Directions

Combine all ingredients in a food processor until blended and crumbly. Add cold water 1 tablespoon at a time until the mixture forms into dough (for me this was about 3 tablespoons. Err on the side of more moisture). Form into a ball, wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for about half an hour. Waiting is hard! Play some Tetris.

Place the ball of dough on a floured surface and roll out with a rolling pin until it’s about 1/8 inch thick. You will need more flour than you think, because the dough sticks. This can be done in 2 batches, if you don’t have enough surface area. Cut dough into squares about 1 inch x 1 inch. This is where your friend really comes in handy. You’ll need to get into a rhythm. Poke center with one prong of a fork for that famous hole in the center. If you want the serrated edges (AND OH MY GOD, YOU DO), use a fork to meticulously tine the very edges of each cracker for that Uncanny Valley of Cheez-It effect. This will take you forever. Personally, I find it very relaxing. Sprinkle with extra salt on top. MAKE SURE SALT GETS ON EVERY CRACKER.

Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Place crackers on sheet and bake at 350 degrees for about 25 minutes. Check on them ever 10 minutes or so. I like to err on the side of crunchy. You might need to experiment with a few batches to get your ultimate desired level of crunch.

Here is a video that features some of my Cheez-It techniques (and a pinata massacre).

_{*(adapted from this recipe, which is worth glancing at if only for the vitriolic comments)}