tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us

Anonymous asked: What kind of guys are you into? Do you have a "type"? You're kind of hard to figure out.

Anonymous, I am very flattered by this question. I’m actually pretty easy to figure out, as long as you can reconcile that the twin keys to my soul are a dual appreciation of “The Real Housewives of _______” reality franchise and Cormac McCarthy’s brutal literary canon. That kind of synergy tends to scare off about 98% of men.

As far as a “type,” I think I can boil it down to the following:

Contrarians

See:

Werner Herzog

Will Oldham

Rahm Emanuel

So, bonus points if you can take a non-significant bullet, have guest-starred in R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet opus, or send dead fish to your rivals. All of those things are hot in my book. You may be able to bypass these qualities if you own a cerulean blue crayon, however. There are shortcuts to every girl’s heart, after all.

_{*fictional counterparts: Sawyer of Lost, Bill Murray in everything, Josh Lyman of The West Wing}

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8. locomotivehootenanny said: Every time I see that photo of Will Oldham, I find myself even more impressed by the mustache portion of his facial hair. It has a nice under-curl.
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14. parasols said: Just marry me instead, I’m way cooler and I can’t believe Kelsey Grammer was married to such a bimbo. (I can’t sport a beard like Will Oldham can, though. Thoughts on Bethenny Frankel?)
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20. ontheborderland said: You get the best questions & of course give the best answers!
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